Dear Maks,
It's my birthday. I am trying desperately to push forward but lately I have really been feeling lost.
I miss you Mac...you and I were a team and I miss you.
I find that life is defined by moments and my life is now defined by the moment I said, "Are you telling me my son is dead?"
There was life before that.
There has been life after that.
But who I am is forever defined in that moment.
I find myself pushing the thoughts of you out of my head so that I don't have to feel the pain...the unbearable emptiness that I feel in every ounce of my being.
I have a great deal of faith now. Faith that you are still around me. Faith that you will help guide me to my next defining moment. Faith that you are working to bring me happiness. Faith that I will see the signs that you send. Faith that I will believe in what the rational mind pushes aside and follow the path you are helping to forge for me.
Some days I wonder if I am handling your death better than most mothers would. It isn't that I don't miss you.
I do.
And I am scared beyond comprehension that I will begin to forget things about you. Your silly ways, your laugh, your sly grin.
But I also feel at peace about things.
Living through your addiction never afforded me the opportunity to flourish in my own life.
If I can accept my broken heart will my soul ever be whole again? Was I left here for some greater good? Will I ever find passion in life?
It's my birthday Mac.
This is the start of my new year. Please help me understand what I am suppose to do with it.
When I see you in my dreams you tell me to move forward...you tell me that it was you who made the mistakes, not me.
How do I do that? Move forward? I have no idea where I'm going. I have no direction.
It is as if I am waiting for a new moment to define me.
A moment that isn't about losing you, but in finding me.
Maks, you are everything to me...through the anger and the addiction...I built up walls and had to learn to protect my heart, but you will always be the best thing that I ever had in my life.
You are my whole heart.
I love you to the stars.
And I miss you.
You said you were going to take a role in my life, help my spirit guide and be here for me when I need you.
I need you. Your bear hugs, your laughter...I need your energy to surround me and guide me.
Please let me know you're here with me.
It's my birthday.
I am emotionally stuck. Defined by your death.
I need my next moment. Some glimmer of hope.
Can you help me?
I love you, mama