I keep hearing them say "he couldn't be revived"...over and over in my head.
I don't remember much about the past 4 months. Everything is hazy.
They said I had to identify your body. I refused. I couldn't see you like that. Lifeless.
You could have been so many things.
You WANTED to be so many things.
I was driving when the call came in and i just sat there, alone, hysterical, shocked. I remember thinking, "oh my god, it finally happened."
4 months later I am still in shock. I haven't accepted the fact that I won't ever see you again...accepting that fact will break me.
Do you remember when I taught you had to drive a stick shift? How we drove around and around the block practicing 1st gear?
I remember those moments so clearly. When it was just you and I...mom and son...smiling...laughing.
What am I suppose to do now?!?!?
Without you, who am i?
Mac I am scared to start a new chapter in my life because you won't be a part of it...how can I live a life that you aren't a part of??? How do I move forward from this?
I'm stuck. I want to freeze time so that it can't continue without you. I want to stop the days from coming so that it won't keep getting longer since I've seen you.
I will never understand how I am suppose to live life without being your mom.
None of this feels real.
I need guidance. I need direction. I need to feel hope.
I see everyone else moving forward in their lives...it makes me angry...jealous...how can the earth keep turning without you?
Please let me know you're with me. Please. Send me signs from the other side...I am begging you for guidance and strength.
You are forever frozen in time. An image in my mind and in my heart. Please help me live through this with the faith and the strength I need to believe I will be with you again.
xoxo, mama
