Sometimes you just have to die a little inside in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger and wiser version of you.
What I have discovered in life is that when you are broken, when life is dark and you hang your head in defeat, this is the moment that you are on the verge of something great.
It is within these moments that great risks are taken.
Those dark moments, the moments that ultimately define us, are when we take our deepest breath and make our greatest change.
Since my son's death I have spent many days dancing in darkness.
Smiling through my tears. Wrapping my arms around others instead of allowing arms to be wrapped around me. I have ran half marathons. I have gone back to school to study addiction and its effects on the brain. I have laughed. I have joined grief groups. I have made new friends.
I have danced.
During the darkest, emptiest moments of my life I have made the choice to dance.
The most important thing I did after losing my son was begin to write to him. Essentially I began to write myself through the pain. In these quiet moments I began to put myself back together. Writing to Max allowed me to express myself in a way that I was unable to do beyond the sanctity of my home. Talking myself through his death brought clarity unlike any I was able to find in therapy or in the tearful moments I spent along side family.
Writing, for me, is the catalyst for which I am reshaping my life.
Although spiritual, I am not a religious person. I don't pretend to be held in God's arms and kept safe until I am ready to face the world again. Instead, what I am referring to is the way the universe (perhaps your God) has a way of putting great obstacles in your way before allowing you to see clearly all that surrounds you.
If you are alive enough to dance in your darkness, then you are strong enough to forge your new path.
In my life, great change has only come after I have endured great pain. Only after I have sat quietly in grief have I been able to move not just forward, but down a new, unchartered path.
If you have lived in this darkness then you understand what I mean.
It's only in our darkest moment that we are able to understand great change. It is only in the lowest point of our lives that we are willing to take great risks.
Because it is only when you have nothing, that you realize you have nothing to lose.
