I want you to know I am trying to move forward in small ways every day.
I have started running again. I hope to do my first half marathon on June 3rd...1 year to the day that you left home and went to New Roads in Utah.
The strength you used that day, to put yourself in treatment, to want sobriety...it is the strength I will use as I run through 13.1 miles.
I have also starting working again...part-time, and am relaunching as Laurie Cota Photography to include more than Pet Photography.
Small steps in the big picture of life, I know, but it is better than standing still...which is what I've been doing since you left.
I am not sure how to live my whole life without you. All I can do is hope that eventually the days won't seem so pointless and the nights won't seem so sad.
The weather is changing. Growing warmer. You always loved this time of year...the onset of Spring, warmer nights, longer days...you would beg to go to the park or out for ice cream.
I miss seeing you eat ice cream.
I sat with Amy and her girls at Cold Stone yesterday and I looked around and wondered if all those parents knew how lucky they were to watch their kids eat ice cream.
In those moments I feel so damn sorry for myself.
Not one thing will ever feel the same again. Without you, it's as if the world has suddenly turned bland. Everything that was once vibrant is now merely a shade of grey.
But within this tasteless, black and white world I am making an effort to live. Because I know you would want it that way.
I'm moving through the haze, holding on to my belief that your energy is all around me...existing through the signs that you send me.
I know I will never be the same again. So I guess what I want you to know is that I am making an effort to exist differently...to find the me that I have to learn to be.
The me that is without you.
I love you,
Mama
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