August, 2012

Dear Maks,
I haven't been able to sit down and write lately. 
I keep putting it off...waiting for a moment of inspiration...or a moment of strength, I don't know which. 
You turned 21 last week.
Well, you would have...
All of us went to Malibu, back to Paradise Cove, and we said goodbye to your body, but we are all holding on so strongly to your soul.
Still, I couldn't help but feel like I was leaving you behind when our time in Malibu was done. I was a mirror image of the day they called to tell me you were gone. Behind the wheel of my car, speeding down a highway, blind with tears, wondering what would happen if I just pulled the steering wheel to the right and let the car spin out of control. 
Would you be there? 
In that out of control spin.
Would I see your smile?
Would I hear your laugh? 
Would you grab my hand and lift me out of the car?    
Would I finally feel something again?
Because I don't really feel anything anymore. 
Since you left I am numb. 
Touching everything around me, but unable to feel a damn thing. 
I am grateful for that I guess...my inability to really have any emotions at all. It's easier to just step outside myself, watch my unfamiliar image waste another day, than it is to live every day without you.
When does the fog lift? The haze that is now my life...when will it clear?
Am I waiting for something to happen that never will? Waiting for a fog to lift when what I really need to do is learn to see through it?
I'm scared Mac...to see my life without you in it. 
5 years from now.
10 years from now.
20 years from now.
When others have forgotten and the days have eased the pain.
I'm afraid to imagine the man you'll never become. 
I'm afraid to forget my little boy...and even more afraid to remember.
Remember how empty I am...remember that I lost everything the day I lost you.
You are my whole heart, Mama