Let Faith Guide You

"Those we love don't go away, 
They walk beside us everyday,
Unseen, unheard, but always near,
Still loved, still missed and very dear."

Right after my son died I told my sister that I didn't feel like he had "crossed over".
I didn't have a moment where I felt him die. 
I had always heard people say that they just knew when their loved one passed away. Not only did that moment not happen for me, but I had an overwhelming feeling that he was "stuck" between this world and "the light".
Please know that I am an extremely rational person. 
Yet there was a very unsettling way that I felt right after Max died. 
So I did what any rational, grieving mother would do and I began to read everything I could about the afterlife. I HAD TO KNOW where Max was.
Surprisingly, every book I read, from numerous different authors, all described death very much the same way. 
Death, you see, is simply going home.
This body that we are in is simply a shell that we walk away from...our life force, our spirit, our energy...it never dies. Yet I couldn't shake the feeling that Max was not where he was suppose to be. I guess I felt that he was in 'limbo', unsure of where he was, not comprehending the fact that he was no longer a part of this world.
Again, I am a rational person...this wasn't something I was going around screaming from the rooftops. I felt strange even saying it out loud to my sister. 
Then, about 2 weeks after Max died, I had a dream that confirmed my feeling. 
In my dream Max was very confused and different 'energy' was pulling him in every direction. Some of the energy was very dark, some was very calming. What was prevalent throughout the dream, however, was Max's confusion.
When I awoke the next day I remembered every detail of the dream. 
Rationally you would say this is transference. I was thinking it subconsciously, so I dreamt about it.
You can rationalize anything away. 
So that's what I did. 
I didn't mention the dream to anyone and tried to let go of the gnawing feeling that had been choking me since the day Max died.
Then 2 nights later I had the most vivid dream I have ever had.
Max was sitting at the dining room table and he and I were having everyday conversation. I was very aware in the dream that Max had died and eventually I told him that he had to go into the light.
He was furious.
He denied being dead with all the verver that he once used to deny he was doing drugs. I went to him, put a hand on his shoulder and I told him that I knew about the drugs in Utah. 
He hung his head, embarrassed that he had been 'found out'. I again told him that he had to go into the light. He stood up and asked me if he'd ever see me again. I told him that I believed he would see me again, that people we are close to on earth are together on the other side. I told him that Baxter, his old yellow lab, was probably waiting for him as we spoke. 
Max hugged me then and told me he was afraid to go alone.
The next thing I knew Max and I were in a tunnel and when we arrived at the end of it we knew we had to find out where he belonged. At first we traveled together but as he became more comfortable he ventured out on his own. I then heard a booming voice, although I don't remember what it said, and I knew I had to leave. As I arrived back at the tunnel Max appeared with another "energy". He explained to me that this energy was like a brother to him. All of the calmness you could ever imagine was surrounding Max now. He shared with me a universal understanding that he now had. Everything made perfect sense. To both of us.
Then Max hugged me, and said in my ear, "I'll see you soon"...
And with that he and the 'brotherly' energy that he had brought with him to bid me farewell, turned and began to leave.
Max glanced back, just once, waved and smiled as only Max could, and I stood and watched him as the tunnel closed in around me.
You can say this is just a grieving mother who wanted to dream this.
Or you can say I am not nearly as rational as I think I am.
What I KNOW is that when I awoke from this dream I no longer felt like Max was "stuck". I knew instantly that I had helped him cross over. My inner turmoil was at rest. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Max was finally where he was suppose to be.
I am telling you this very personal experience because sometimes things just aren't rational.
Sometimes you just need to have faith in what you feel. 
When you lose a loved one here in the physical world it does not mean that they are not still very much around you.
Over the next several blogs I am going to share some moments that I have had since Max died that I hope will comfort you, the way they have me, and begin to help you believe that NO, you aren't crazy!
Max communicates with me constantly. 
Keep your eyes open...I bet your loved one is communicating with you too.
So try and give your rational side a break, ok? Let faith guide you for awhile.